Down with sugar shock

Resolution number two on my list for 2017: eat less sugar. I suppose I could just leave it at “eat less,” but it turns out I need to focus on that last word in particular. It’s a special challenge for me. I like to eat in general, but it’s sweets that I can’t get enough of. I’m going to stop short of using the word ADDICTION, but it’s definitely a problem. Here’s a few confessions for you–if you’re a fellow sweet-tooth victim and have stories of your own, please feel free to share:

• About a month ago I bought half a dozen doughnuts. That was lunch.
• Half a bag of OREOs in one sitting? No sweat. Especially if we’re talking Mega Stuf.
• A favorite former snack:: eating a heaping spoon of sugar, then washing it down with milk, repeated many times.
• Several days in the past year, I’ve purchased a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (flavor of choice: The Tonight Dough), hidden it in the back of the freezer so my wife wouldn’t know (sorry, babycakes) and consumed it all by myself, usually within 24 hours.
• I feel the need for dessert after every meal–and if I don’t get at least a little nibble of chocolate, I get crankier than a sack full of scorpions.
• I once brought a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts to the office. I ate four before anyone else had any.
• The top left drawer of my desk normally is full of sugary shit, until I have a bad day and go HAM on that business.
• I currently have a case of Maltesers, the UK’s vastly superiour version of Whoppers, purchased in a panic before Hershey’s coup in halting the import of certain Brit chocolate treats–the only reason it’s still there is because I have the memory of a goldfish and forget its existence.
• Another former snack: teaspoon full of peanut butter, dunked in a bowl of sugar, then consumed–sort of like a deconstructed Reese’s PB cup, without the chocolate

That’s for starters. It’s horrible–so many cavities in the past two years my dentist started giving me frequent flyer miles, and weight woes. That insidious white stuff does more than rot my teeth and enlarge my butt, though. Diabetes runs in my family, and I’m currently waiting on results from my endo telling me whether I’ve got it or am in imminent danger. A current freelance client, a probiotics company, has me delving into research on the dangers of sugar, and it is the literal worst. It makes you more likely to be obese, screws with your digestion (diarrhea, constipation, bloating–what fun!), and–this is particularly insidious–triggers mechanisms that make you crave more sugar. It simultaneously ruins your health while making you want to eat more and wreck your health even more. Talk about a vicious, ass-expanding circle.

Baby steps. I’m not ready to take the 30-day sugar-free challenge, but I did throw away the half-eaten bag of Riesen and several bags of Jelly Bellys (Toasted Marshmallow, Cotton Candy and Coconut, if you’re keeping score), and intend to forget about the existence of that big bloddy box of Brit balls again. No more B&J’s stashed in the icebox. No more late-night trips to the 7-Eleven around the corner for a king-size Twix. While I’m not cutting out sugar completely, I am reducing my intake bigtime. Hopefully that’ll make my health a little sweeter.